Month: January 2023

Curating our lives

We’ve still got too much stuff for our small house. So we’re sifting through it, piece by piece, item by item. To use a current buzzword, we’re “curating” our lives, winnowing down to the essentials. The things that are beautiful or useful, as William Morris said.

‘Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be beautiful or believe to be useful.’

William Morris

It’s difficult *not* to accumulate stuff in America, given our consumerist, capitalist society. Manufacturers and merchants use psychology to manipulate us, to entice us to buy more, to spend more. Growing up in a soup of advertising, we assume consumption is what one does and we influence each other to do it, reinforcing the messages we see every day.

In the early Nineties, Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin challenged us to figure out what our personal “enough” was. Their book, Your Money or Your Life, was more than just a challenge to figure out how much money you need in order to pay your bills without working. They were also challenging us to figure out how much “stuff” we really needed to be happy, and how we can focus outward instead of inward, sharing with others when we have more than enough.

How much stuff do I need to be happy? The first time I went to Saudi Arabia, we stayed in 10-person tents in very basic conditions. We each had a cot and a foot locker (to keep the rats and spiders out of our stuff). The tent had one light bulb – the entire tent was either “light” or “dark.” And the tent was an open bay – no privacy.

But over time, as we returned to this base on future trips, the accommodations gradually got somewhat upgraded. We each got a nightstand. Then we each got a small lamp for our nightstand. That felt like a huge luxury – we could each have light when we wanted it, without having to negotiate with the entire tent’s inhabitants! It felt like such a luxury. Eventually, we even got dividers for our tents, so we could each have a small private section of the tent. That meant we could grab naps when we needed them, without being disturbed by other people’s lights or noise.

We really had very little, but it felt like enough. In fact, it felt like luxury. (Those lamps – a big deal!) And when I came home from these trips, the amount of stuff I had in my house felt overwhelming. SO MUCH STUFF! Far more than the basics plus a little luxury. Far more than “enough.” Rather than making me happy, my stuff was stressing me out.

Every time, I’d vow to get rid of extraneous stuff. I wanted to have that same feeling at home as I did overseas – that I had the amount of stuff that made me grateful. But American life is also overly busy, and I’d get distracted after maybe giving away a box or two of stuff or selling a few things.

So here we are, many years later, still surrounded by too much stuff. We’ve been able to give away some things this past year to people who could really use them, which feels good. But we still have a ways to go.

Wish me luck as I use this No Spend January to reflect on my spending and face the fact (again) that I already have more than enough.

Feeling Resolute

What can I say? After years of no New Year’s resolutions, this year I’m overflowing with them. Mostly because I seem to have gotten an energy bump this January, so I’m taking advantage of it.

This particular resolution, if that’s what you want to call it, is to spend no money in January. IOW, this January I am reigning in my discretionary spending. I tend to be perhaps a little too generous/spendy during the holidays, so I find being intentional about my spending in January helps me reset that spending mindset (which is strongly encouraged and reinforced by all the holiday marketing!).

I find that I get into a mindset of not being as critical of my spending during the holidays, and this helps me reset so that I stop and think before I spend. Plus, an uber frugal January helps offset the excesses of December and get my budget back on track.

Although I got the idea from Mrs. Frugalwood’s “January Uber Frugal Month Group Challenge,” I don’t participate in her groups when I do my January reset. For me, it’s enough to know that it’s January and I’m on a spending fast. However, if group support would be helpful for you, consider joining her group challenge next year. (I don’t know if this year’s groups are still open.)

I acknowledge that it’s a privilege to have discretionary income (money left over after paying bills, buying gas & groceries, etc.). And that it’s a privilege to be able to spend freely (however one defines that) during the holidays. When I was young, my family did not have that privilege, and I am grateful for it now.

So far, it’s January 10th and I haven’t spent any money. But I will be making my quarterly trip to the VA hospital for medical Botox injections later this month, and I plan to stop for Mexican food on the way home – my quarterly treat. (AKA, one “cheat day” from my spending fast.)

Otherwise, no restaurant meals this month. (Which we’re still getting to-go, because COVID.) We’ve got plenty of food in our pantry and freezer (also a privilege), and of course we can buy groceries as part of our normal monthly expenses. And no rationalizing other discretionary spending.

Hopefully after a month of resisting the urge to spend, I can break the holiday-inspired attitude of “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it.” The January uber frugal money fast usually does the trick.

[This approach works for me because I am an abstainer, not a moderator. If you are a moderator, perhaps a different approach would work for you. Or perhaps you moderate your spending during the holidays and don’t need to get back on track after the holidays because you never got off-track.]

Do you splurge over the holidays? What techniques/tricks/hacks do you use to get your budget back on track in January? Or do you set a spending budget for November/December and stick to it? Please comment below.

2023 New Year’s Resolution

You probably don’t remember me saying that I don’t typically make New Year’s resolutions, but it’s true. I make maybe one a decade, and then I usually forget all about it.

But what the heck. I feel like making one this year, however futile it may be. This year I resolve to be less hard on myself.

I’m not the person I used to be. My physical limitations prevent me from doing the things I’d like to do – the things I used to do.

I’m no longer as organized, as squared away, as I used to be. And while I still aspire to continue downsizing until I have less stuff to wrangle, I also need to find a way to be okay with the clutter in the meantime.

My memory is shot to hell. I just don’t remember things. It’s alarming and discouraging, but I’m finding ways to deal with it. I try to do things as soon as I think of them, so I don’t forget. This means that I don’t necessarily do things in an orderly fashion any more. It’s more like I see something and remember what I meant to do, so I do it right then. Then I sit down and rest. Next time I get up and move around the house, I see something else I meant to do, and then I do that. No coherence, but at least I’m still getting things done.

I also don’t batch as many errands as I used to do. I just don’t have the executive function or the energy to deal with a long list of things to accomplish in town. So I do one or two as soon as I figure out what I need, and resign myself to the fact that I’ll have to do fewer things at a time and ultimately make more trips in order to get everything done.

One of things I did in the past year or two to help with my forgetfulness was to get a password manager. I resisted getting one for a long time, but I’m finding it very helpful and I’m glad I did it. [Although I got a family account, Spousal Unit *hates* using it. That’s fine. They don’t have to use it for their stuff, but at least they know where to go look for our joint passwords if it’s an account I set up and I can’t remember the password.]

I also created a morning checklist and an evening checklist to help me remember to take my meds and do health and hygiene tasks, but I need to get into a daily practice of using them. I also should probably get a whiteboard calendar and start logging doctors appointments and such where Spousal Unit and I can both see them and keep track of them.

I hate chaos. I hate disorder. I hate clutter and untidiness. And I intend to keep working to bring order to the chaos that is our small house still overflowing with items from our larger previous house.

But, in the meantime, and from now on, I resolve to be less hard on myself about it. I am no longer the person I used to be. I cannot continue to hold myself to standards I can no longer meet. It accomplishes nothing aside from making me feel bad about myself and my situation.

I can continue to learn, to discover new hacks and accommodations that help me deal with my limitations. I can implement these techniques and use these aids. But I can also give myself grace. I can accept that I am no longer the person I was. Accept that I can no longer do the things I used to do, in the ways I used to do them.

People like to argue that anything is possible if you just believe and try hard enough. “You just need the right attitude!,” these people like to say. In the chronic illness/disability community, this is known as “toxic positivity.” The truth is, you can’t necessarily change reality through hope and hard work. Especially if you’re from a marginalized community.

I can’t become healthy and abled from wishing it so – I know, I’ve tried for years. I can’t become healthy and abled through eating right, exercising, or taking the right supplements – I’ve tried that for years too. But the toxic positivity people are right about one thing – I *can* control my attitude.

So I choose to give myself grace for my circumstances and my state of being.

Rather than chasing a pipe dream of restored health, I choose to pursue adaptation to my current health. I choose to pursue acceptance, to seek a zen-like acceptance of my reality. I choose to walk the path of the Serenity Prayer: To accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and to be able to tell the difference.

That is my resolution for 2023.